Parents

I went out for coffee with a long time friend who was in town for a couple days. We had a lot of catching up to do, and never get to see each other one-on-one very much, so this was a very intense visit I realized afterwords. I'm really glad we were able to get together.

At one point, the talk turned to each of our parents divorces. Mine was almost 20 years ago, and when things were a mess at home, I moved in with her family for about a month. I remember thinking how no matter what screwed up things my parents were doing, at least her parents still had it together, and my whole world wasn't falling apart.

Fast forward about 10 years... she just moved back home after completing her degree, her sister was getting married and her parents were splitting. How I wish I could have been there for her! There were so many similarities: neither of us had any idea anything was going on, both had unfaithful parents, it happened in our little hometown where everyone else knew, in hindsight there were little things that should have set of some kind of warning, but we were totally oblivious to, the 'other person(s)' were people we knew and saw regularly...

I wish we had more time to talk, because I know even after all this time we each are feeling the pain and the hurt and the betrayal. Talking to a therapist is one thing, but sharing with someone who has been in the same place I think can help so much with coping and moving on, really knowing that you're not the only one to have to go through this.

I heard once that the younger a child is when their parents separate, no matter what the circumstances, the easier it is for them to deal with it. I was 17 and my brother was 7, and to this day we have totally different views of how things happened. To him, it meant he'd have two bedrooms and twice as much lego. To me, it was the end of the world. When I met my future husband and things were getting serious and we got engaged, the wounds were still fresh enough that I was so worried that it would happen to us too, no matter how much love we felt for each other. To this day, when life is really stressful and I get severe anxiety, this is what I worry about - even though there is no reason to. Moving back closer to home brought up all sort of feelings that I didn't realize I hadn't dealt with even though so much time has passed. Almost 20 years, and it can still bring me to tears, but only if I let it.

I'm going to send a note - a real one, not an email! to my friend and let her know that I'm here for her now, and how good it felt to have someone to talk to. I love my dh, and I do share with him, but it's not the same because he hasn't been through it. He's wonderful about it, and he says the right things, but I think, I know, I hold some things back because I don't want to scare him that I could follow in my parents footsteps.

That's what scares me the most.